


Steampunk Opera: A Smart-assed Summary of FFVI

by Mina Lightstar (ukefied)



Category: Final Fantasy VI
Genre: Other, affectionate mockery, crude language, m - Freeform, spoilers durr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-11
Updated: 2011-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-23 15:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukefied/pseuds/Mina%20Lightstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a repost/placeholder: the bare bones of the summary are here, but for the complete effect, visit http://bikun.yaoiville.org/opera/</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Balance

**Author's Note:**

> There _maaaay_ be some formatting (or other) errors here that I've missed ... for the full effect, please visit the original archive [here](http://bikun.yaoiville.org/opera/).
> 
> This began in [2008](http://ukefied.livejournal.com/472052.html) and was finally completed in 2010.

  


  
  
  
  
  


_Once upon a time, people used magic for evil. So there was a war, and then they decided to never use magic again. Then about eighteen years ago, they decided to start using magic again. But probably not for evil._

Probably.

> ...
> 
>   
> I could have sworn I was named after a vapor rub.
> 
>   
> Let's review! We are a unit of soldiers from the EMPIRE who are headed to NARSHE to capture an ESPER, which is a magical beast from hundreds of years ago. It probably smells.

[BIGGS, WEDGE, and TERRA march around in their MAGITEK ARMOR. NARSHE tries to STOP THEM, despite having nothing but FLIMSY SWORDS and a couple of DOGS.]

>   
> So like, what are you guys doing this weekend?
> 
> ...

[The SOLDIERS infiltrate the MINE, where they are forced to ENDURE the usual CONDITIONAL BOSS BATTLE.]

> ...
> 
>   
> ...
> 
> ...
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> You gettin' any of this?
> 
>   
> Not as such.
> 
>   
> ...!
> 
>   
> BLARGH!
> 
>   
> ... BLARGH!
> 
> ... ... ... BLARGH!

[TERRA regains CONSCIOUSNESS under the care of ARVIS.]

>   
> I can't remember anything. Except my name: Terra. I can't remember my last name, but I'm sure the credits will.
> 
>   
> When I found you, you were wearing this slave crown.
> 
>   
> ... That was one crazy Yom Kippur!
> 
>   
> ... anyway, you need to leave now.
> 
>   
> Why, because I'm Jewish?

[TERRA escapes into the MINES, with GUARDS in HOT PURSUIT. She LEVEL-WHORES until she learns ANTIDOTE, and then FALLS down a HOLE.]

>   
> I had a feeling she'd fall down a hole, so I called for reinforcements.
> 
>   
> Did someone say girl?
> 
>   
> Well, if it isn't the thieviest thief that ever thieved. How are you today, thief?
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> Ahaha I'm just fuckin' with ya. Go save the witch.

[LOCKE the ~~THIEF~~ TREASURE HUNTER finds TERRA in the MINES, only to be FACED with LOTS of GUARDS and WOOLY MAMMOTHS.]

>   
>  I don't think my rugged good looks will save me this time! I guess I'll just have to _steal their clothes_.
> 
>   
> ... Or alternatively, we can demonstrate the MPB: Multiple Party Battle. And I can dance a jig.
> 
>   
>  That, too.

[LOCKE and the MOOGLES save the DAY. LOCKE takes TERRA to the TOWN'S ENTRANCE.]

>   
> I have to stop falling on my head. Who are you?
> 
>   
> I'm Locke. I tend to fixate on any lady I rescue and follow her around to make sure she never comes in contact with danger again. It's a perpetual method of atonement, seeing as how my fiancee was brutally murdered because I turned around for a second. I'm trying to bring her back to life, by the way. When I'm not rescuing ladies.
> 
>   
> Why, that's not self-destructive at all!
> 
>   
> I know, right?

[LOCKE and TERRA travel SOUTH to the KINGDOM of FIGARO, where they are GRANTED an AUDIENCE with the KING.]  


>   
> Come in, come in, you must be _exhausted_ , because you've been walking through my mind _all day._
> 
>   
>  Beg pardon?

[KEFKA, the EMPIRE's COURT MAGICIAN, arrives in SEARCH of TERRA.]

>   
> Hello, witch-retrieval. She borrowed my mascara and I have a date tonight. WITH AN ESPER.
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> Damn it. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
> 
>   
> I have no idea where she is. There are like, FIVE WHOLE GIRLS in this castle.

[KEFKA decides to BURN DOWN FIGARO, resulting in EDGAR, LOCKE, and TERRA ESCAPING on CHOCOBOS.]

>   
> That'll learn 'em.
> 
>   
> You underestimate Figaro's ability to _dig holes and hide_ , natch.
> 
>   
> Eat TekMissiles, bitches.
> 
>   
> I think I'll cast Fire, even though Edgar's Autocrossbow is much stronger.
> 
>   
> DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT I JUST SAW?!
> 
>   
> Yeah, she was doing that, like, the _whole way_ down here. Cool, eh?
> 
>   
>  It's magic! Here, let me spell it for you since you are obviously an idiot: M-A-G-I-C.
> 
>   
> I SUDDENLY FIND HER SKILLS SHOCKING.
> 
>   
> Ugh, I've just ruled you two out as love interests.

[The PARTY JOURNEYS to SOUTH FIGARO and to MOUNT KOLTS.]

>   
> Hey, did I mention I had a twin brother named Sabin? He ran away ten years ago and I haven't seen him since.
> 
>   
> Wouldn't it be funny if we ran into him on Mt. Kolts and he saved us from a boss with his moves from Street Fighter 2?
> 
>   
> Ha! The odds against that are _astronomical_!
> 
>   
>  NOW YOU WILL DIE.
> 
>   
> Hey guys, what'cha doin'? Savin' the world? Can I come?
> 
>   
> ... yes.

[The PARTY visits the RETURNERS' HIDEOUT.]

>   
> The Empire is trying to bring about another War of the Magi. We must stop them before it's too late! Terra, you are our last ray of hope. Will you help us?
> 
>   
> That depends on what kind of prize you're willing to fork out.

[The LOCATION of the HIDEOUT is COMPROMISED, and the RETURNERS must EVACUATE.]

>   
> I'm going go steal some clothes. I mean slow the Empire down. No, actually, I did mean steal some clothes.
> 
>   
> We'll head back to Narshe on a rickety raft.
> 
>   
> Nothing could _possibly_ go wrong.
> 
>   
>  Hello.

[SABIN DRIFTS away DOWNRIVER. EDGAR appears STRANGELY UNCONCERNED. MOG EXPLAINS that ALL THREE PARTIES must RETURN to NARSHE. TERRA's SCENARIO is BORING.]

>   
> I'd question why I didn't drown, but let's not open _that_ can of worms.
> 
>   
>  Hello.
> 
>   
> Please note that I may leave at any time.
> 
>   
> Goodbye.

[SABIN happens along DOMA's WAR with the EMPIRE. He meets CYAN, and TOGETHER they TRAVEL through a PHANTOM FOREST.]

>  **  
> **O what cruel fate! Mine wife and child murdered more painfully than mine language in this summary!
> 
>   
>  Let's ride that ghost train. Nothing could _possibly_ go wrong.

[Things go WRONG. SABIN and CYAN and MAYBE SHADOW and a GHOST run AROUND the TRAIN. Then they go to BARREN FALLS and for some REASON, decide JUMPING OFF is a GOOD IDEA. Then they LAND on the VELDT. The VELDT seriously doesn't make ANY SENSE.]  


>   
> I get the mammoths and stuff, but what the hell are _imperial soldiers_ doing here?
> 
>  **  
> **Me _best_ party member, or _worst_ party member?
> 
>   
>  Probably worst.

[SABIN, GAU, and CYAN travel the SERPENT TRENCH, and then get on a BOAT in NIKEAH to HEAD BACK to NARSHE. This ENTIRE SCENARIO apparently HAPPENS over the SPAN of FIVE MINUTES.]  


>   
> I can steal people's clothes. Like, off their _backs._
> 
>   
>  There are definitely no secret passages anywhere in this town.
> 
>   
> I heard they captured that famous lady general because she turned traitor, and that she is most definitely not being held in that underground passage that does not exist.
> 
>   
> Did someone say girl?
> 
>   
> I'm not looking for a relationship right now.
> 
>   
> Yeah, like I'm going to hound after some seventeen-year-old. Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?
> 
>   
> I'm eighteen.
> 
>   
> DIBS.

[Even though it DOESN'T make any SENSE, EVERYONE reaches NARSHE within MINUTES of EACH OTHER. This is SUPPOSED to be COOL, but is really just a PLOT CONVENIENCE for ITO and KITASE.]  


>   
> The Empire will never come here for the Esper.
> 
>   
> Hey guys, the Empire's coming for the Esper.
> 
>   
> I hope you were all paying attention at that last MPB.

[If the PLAYER is SMART, the DECISIVE BATTLE can be WON with ONE PARTY consisting of LOCKE, CELES, SABIN, and EDGAR.]  


>   
> Oh, fiddlesticks, my toes are cold. Toodles!
> 
>   
> Let's have Terra talk to the frozen Esper.
> 
>   
> Yes, because it worked so well last time.
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> LOL G2G

[LOCKE regains CONSCIOUSNESS.]  


>   
> You're awake, and I see you collect eighteen-year-old girls.
> 
>   
> I don't know how to break this to you, but Terra is a pink, flaming _thing_ streaking across the sky, and strangely no longer my type.
> 
>   
>  We have to go after her!
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> Unless you guys have _something better to do?_

[The PARTY travels to KOHLINGEN.]

>   
> Each step through this village sends ripples of agony through my OH HEY MY GREEN BERET. <3
> 
>   
> x.x
> 
>   
> See how beautiful she is, preserved like that? Are you thirsty, Rachel? Would you like some tea?
> 
>   
> ... we'll be upstairs.
> 
>   
> I'll join your party if you feel like trekking back to Narshe and leaving someone behind.
> 
>   
> We don't.

[The PARTY travels to ZOZO in SEARCH of TERRA.]  


>   
> There is no Zozo.
> 
>   
> It's not 6:10:50.
> 
>   
> And there are definitely no girls at the top of this building.
> 
>   
> I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE LYING.

[The PARTY finds TERRA and RAMUH.]  


>   
> Hello, Terra, naked and fiery and somehow my type again.
> 
>   
> Is Terra an Esper?
> 
>   
> HA! _NO_ , that would be campy, lame, and entirely too predictable. She's _half-_ Esper.
> 
>  **  
> **... fetchquest?
> 
>   
>  Infiltrate the Empire and rescue my friends. Here, in return, you can caress my cold, shiny corpse.
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> It'll teach you Bolt.
> 
>   
> Oh, WELL THEN.
> 
>   
> I'll go to the Empire, seeing as how I grew up there and know every nook and cranny.
> 
>   
> So we'll have a map for the Magitek Research Facility?
> 
>   
> No. And I see you have assured the entire party that you will ensure my safety, despite the fact that you are a thief and I am a knight.
> 
>   
> Yes, you will notice this happens frequently.
> 
>   
> If you need me, I'll be back here with my boomerang.

[The PARTY LEVEL-WHORES for a WHILE, because it takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER to LEARN CURA. Then they go BACK to JIDOOR.]  


>   
> How do we get to the Empire? Because in case we haven't mentioned it yet, the Empire is on an island and no boats are going there, anymore.
> 
>   
> I'm sure that the answer will somehow come to us in this rich, rich town.
> 
>   
> Your female party member looks just like Maria, the beautiful opera singer that Setzer, the THRILL-SEEKING gambler, claims he will kidnap with his AIRSHIP, so that he can marry her, probably on his AIRSHIP, seeing as how it is the ONLY AIRSHIP in the WORLD. Also, he is SEEKING THRILLS.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> AIRSHIP AIRSHIP AIRSHIP
> 
>   
> I'm going to volunteer Celes to stand in for Maria, because I think the entire thing is _hilarious_.
> 
>   
>  DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DAAAAAAAA
> 
>   
> And painful.
> 
>   
> So Celes will let Setzer take her away, and she'll lead us to his airship.
> 
>   
> Nothing could _possibly_ go wrong.
> 
>   
>  Hello.

[CELES turns out to be an OKAY SINGER. LOCKE cannot ACT. SETZER is HUSTLED into JOINING the PARTY. They TRAVEL to the EMPIRE, and then SETZER makes them WALK. The PARTY acquires MORE MAGICITE, and ENCOUNTERS the STUPIDEST DESIGN of CID.]  


>   
> Celes has been spying for me all along.
> 
>   
> I see absolutely no reason to doubt Kefka's words.

[CELES TELEPORTS herself and KEFKA away. LOCKE and his FRIENDS ESCAPE through a MINE SHAFT, and then with SETZER. TERRA NARRATES her LIFE STORY.]  


>     
> \+   
> _____________________  
> 

[TERRA rejoins the PARTY with a STUPID SKILL.]

>   
> Well, now that that's taken care of, let's get back to Banon.
> 
>   
> Who?
> 
>   
> You know, Banon.
> 
>   
> Where?
> 
>   
> ... the leader of the Returners?
> 
>   
> The what?
> 
>   
> Our _boss?_
> 
>   
>  _Ohhhhhh_ I thought we were just a wandering party now.
> 
>   
>  Who?

[The STILL!RETURNERS return to NARSHE to BRIEF BANON.]

>   
> Well, I'll be damned. You're all alive!
> 
>   
> I owe you a coke.
> 
>   
> Hey--
> 
>   
> I suppose you want more plot now.
> 
>   
> That would be nice. We've been level-whoring all this Magicite and need some more.
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> It's strangely addicting.
> 
>   
> We can see why Kefka likes this power thing so much.
> 
>   
> Well, I was going to suggest you head for the Sealed Gate and ally with the Espers--
> 
>   
> ESPERS
> 
>   
> MAGICITE
> 
>   
> ... and help save them from Gestahl.
> 
>   
> Then off we go!
> 
>   
> To the Sealed Gate!
> 
>   
> To save the Espers!
> 
>   
> Ahaha! Yes! Save.

[The PARTY flies AROUND for a WHILE, searching for the goddamned SEALED GATE. They find a CAVE instead. A cave full of LAVA.]  


>   
>  _MOTHERFUCKERRRR_

[The CAVE is full of SHINY TREASURE, including the ~~ATMA~~ ULTIMA WEAPON. Its ATK PWR is DEMEANING.]  


>   
>  Give it to Locke or Edgar and check out their _vitality._
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
>  That is the limpiest, most pathetically droopy blade I have ever seen.
> 
>   
> Ahahaha! It's funny because you have penises.

[The PARTY reaches the SEALED GATE. TERRA attempts to SPEAK to the ESPERS.]  


>   
> This is going rather smoothly. I mean, except for the lava.
> 
>   
> Thanks for jinxing us, genius.
> 
>   
> No problem.
> 
>   
>  _Hey._
> 
>   
>  HAY GUYZ
> 
>   
> Oh, for christ's sake.
> 
>   
> Kefka! Have you seen my girlfriend?!
> 
>   
> SHE SAYS YOU SUCK
> 
>   
> Well, when you go back, can you pass her this note?

[The PARTY does BATTLE with KEFKA. It's a pretty POINTLESS BATTLE, but gives way for one of the COOLEST SCENES in the GAME.]  


>   
> WHASSSSUUUUUP
> 
>   
> WHASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP
> 
>   
> We appear to be in the Esper Express Lane!
> 
>   
> WHEEEEEEEEE
> 
>   
> OW! Did a goddamn unicorn just hit me?

[The ESPERS are PISSED OFF. They fly to VECTOR and KILL IT WITH FIRE. They cause ACTION.]  


>   
> Get down!
> 
>   
> Oof.

[And MORE ACTION.]  


>   
> Get down again!
> 
>   
> Okay, I think someone misses Celes.

[The PARTY decides to go to VECTOR, because they are IDIOTS.]  


>   
> So how are things here?
> 
>   
> ON FIRE
> 
>   
> That's the spirit!
> 
>   
> My capital city is in ruins, my people are suffering, my ideals have been misguided...
> 
>   
> Well, who's hungry?

[The PARTY is INVITED to DINE with the EMPEROR.]  


>   
> Not so fast! You must wash your hands, and talk to all our soldiers.
> 
>   
> WHAT UP, BITCHES
> 
>   
> Is he getting crazier, or is it just me?
> 
>   
> I'm more disturbed by the fact that he is on the toilet, and we are still here.
> 
>   
> We're disgusting.
> 
>   
> ... Well, who's hungry!

[GESTAHL proposes a TRUCE and a PLAN.]  


>   
> Ahaha! There is nothing like unspeakable pain and suffering to bring people together. Incidentally, sorry about Doma.
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> Long story short: we need Terra to talk some sense into the Espers so we can all negotiate a truce.
> 
>   
> That sounds like a great idea.
> 
>   
> I agree wholeheartedly.
> 
>   
> I don't see any problem with this.
> 
>   
> Hasn't anyone noticed that something goes horribly wrong each time I talk to the Espers?
> 
>   
> ... Who?

[TERRA and LOCKE prepare to SET SAIL with GENERAL LEO, SHADOW, and CELES.]

>   
> Hello, Terra. I see Locke is throwing boomerangs from behind you these days.
> 
>   
> I was here first, to be technical.
> 
>   
> Hahaha! Ladies! I can explain.
> 
>   
> We'll be heading to Thamasa. Celes and I will be the home team, and you guys can be the visitors.
> 
>   
> That's kind of a strange party line-up. I mean, we all have the conflicted loyalty thing going on. Shouldn't you have Shadow in your party, since you hired him?
> 
>   
> Well
> 
>   
> That is
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> ... look, we just really don't want Shadow, okay.

[The JOURNEY allows for some REFLECTION.]  


>   
> So much has happened. But I believe my original dilemma was not knowing what love felt like.
> 
>   
> I'm pretty sure that was the most important thing about this game.
> 
>   
> Well, this is a tense and complicated subject. Emotions are so delicate, especially for a novice such as yourself.
> 
>   
> Well, g'night.
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> I can't help you, either. I mean. If you were wondering.
> 
>   
> ... ... ... ... ...
> 
>   
> SHENANIGANS

[LOCKE, TERRA, and SHADOW travel to THAMASA.]

>   
> It feels good to be back.
> 
>   
> In the country.
> 
>   
> Shut up.
> 
>   
> I sense magic in this village.
> 
>   
> No you don't.
> 
>   
> Hello, Grandpa. Still alive, I see.
> 
>   
> YOU DRIVE ME BANANAS
> 
>   
> Wow, mister! You have such a cute dog!
> 
>   
> He eats faces.
> 
>   
> But not mine, for some reason! Isn't that funny.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> Check out my Memento Ring!
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> Would you look at that! Only the _two of us_ can equip it!
> 
>   
>  Well, gotta go!

[That night, STRAGO invades their INN.]  


>   
> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
>   
> What's that, boy? There's a fire at the old Wilson place? And Relm is inside?
> 
>   
> Let's go! Even though they have magic, ours is probably better.
> 
>   
> Yeah, I could cast Ice 2.
> 
>   
> I suppose.

[THAMASA magic SUCKS. STRAGO heads INSIDE after RELM. TERRA and LOCKE follow, probably because they are TIRED and NOT THINKING STRAIGHT.]  


>   
> This place is a lot bigger than it looks from the outside.

[SHADOW ends up SAVING the PARTY. The NEXT DAY, their REAL QUEST can BEGIN.]  


>   
> I'm gonna be my own party. You lame-os are really affecting my coolness factor, what with your failed heroic rescue and all.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> We worked hard for that failed heroic rescue.
> 
>   
> Anyway, I'm leaving. Tell Relm I'm not her father.
> 
>   
> What a perplexing parting statement.
> 
>   
> I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. _More importantly,_ we now have _two_ party slots free.
> 
>   
>  I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.
> 
>   
> I'll be joining you.
> 
>   
> Aw, man.
> 
>   
> I mean
> 
>   
> ... aw, man.

[The PARTY goes to EXPLORE an OMINOUS MOUNTAIN.]  


>   
> Nothing could _possibly_ go wrong.
> 
>   
>  Hello.
> 
>   
> Oh, _come on._
> 
>   
>  If only there was _some way_ for Ultros to _see_ what a _monster_ he is.
> 
>   
>  ART BEGETS LIFE, BITCHES
> 
>   
> what
> 
>   
> this can't
> 
>   
>  _How long has this spinach been in my teeth_ why didn't you guys _tell me?_

[The PARTY finds the ESPERS.]  


>   
> Well. This was a great _secret_ hideout, _Frank._
> 
>   
>  I am the product of a nasty tryst between an Esper and a human. Except for the no-love thing, I turned out all right!
> 
>   
> Your emotional instability has swayed me.

[The PARTY returns to THAMASA.]  


>   
> You guys found Espers? Man, all we found was dirt. And grass.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> And one rock.
> 
>   
> Aaaaaaannnnnnd, truce! That was easy. Game's over.
> 
>   
> It can't be over! We still have to reunite the party, face off against evil, and preach unto it the virtues of truth, justice, and the Watcher Way!
> 
>   
> HI EVERYBODY!
> 
>   
> Phew, there we go.

[KEFKA KILLS EVERYTHING.]  


>   
> Kefka, why?
> 
>   
> There are backstabbers all the way up to the Emperor.
> 
>   
> But, you said the Emperor ordered this attack.
> 
>   
> Oh, sorry. I lost some of my _foreshadowing._
> 
>   
>  Anyway, the Emperor and I are going to restore the Warring Triad now.
> 
>   
> If anyone's wondering where to head next.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> X.X
> 
>   
>  _Foreshadowing_

[The PARTY reunites.]  


>   
> Compared to what happened here, my little liaison with the tea lady doesn't sound nearly as impressive. But I'll tell it anyway!
> 
>   
> Well, I guess it's off to the final dungeon.
> 
>   
> Which is the Floating Continent, in case you didn't know.
> 
>   
> I guess we should mention that the Warring Triad is the trio of goddesses who turned humans into Espers and made them fight wars.
> 
>   
> They turned themselves to stone to atone for their deeds, and are currently resting in a _very delicate balance_ on the Floating Continent.
> 
>   
>  When did it start floating, anyway? What is the deal with that?
> 
>   
> So! Off to the Floating Continent, to stop Gestahl _once and for all._
> 
>   
>  We can't! I still don't know what love is!
> 
>   
> Probably a good thing, too! Seeing as how we're all going to die.

[The PARTY heads to the FLOATING CONTINENT.]  


>   
> Guys, wait! Shouldn't we pick up Mog?
> 
>   
> Ugh, how many more useless art-mancers do we _need?_
> 
>   
>  Are we ready for the final dungeon?
> 
>   
> Actually--
> 
>   
> TOO LATE, UNDER ATTACK
> 
>   
> Relax! All the worthwhile party members are back together!
> 
>   
> Nothing could _possibly_ go wrong!
> 
>   
>  Hello.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[ULTROS and ~~Chupon~~ TYPHON throw the PARTY overboard. They LAND on the FLOATING CONTINENT.]  


>   
>  Hey guys what's up.
> 
>   
> ... So far, everything is going wrong.

[MEANWHILE, GESTAHL and KEFKA are PLOTTING.]  


>   
> I have been waiting for this moment for twenty years.
> 
>   
> Ahaha! Yes, it's a shame you're going to die soon.
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> Um, because.
> 
>   
> Because you're so old.
> 
>   
> You waited too long to begin your conquest and now you're too old to enjoy it!
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> ... whew, saved it.

[The PARTY clears the FINAL DUNGEON.]

>   
> Hey, we can jump back down to the Blackjack from here!
> 
>   
> Why would we even do that.
> 
>   
> We'd have to start over again.
> 
>   
> Dumbass.
> 
>   
> NO GIRLS ALLOWED
> 
>   
> Now _that's_ a large, firm ultimate weapon.

[The PARTY defeats ULTIMA, and CONFRONTS GESTAHL. CELES shows up to FILL your FREE SLOT.]  


>   
> You know, I'm starting to think Kefka may be crazy.
> 
>   
> Triiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
> 
>   
> DEATH TO ALL HUMANS
> 
>   
> Oh dear.

[KEFKA KILLS GESTAHL. Then the WARRING TRIAD KILL the EARTH.]  


>   
> Oh right, the Blackjack isn't around  
>  _now._ No, we gotta _run._
> 
>   
>  Why did I spend so much time killing Leafers at the beginning of the game, if not to outrun the Apocalypse right now?
> 
>   
> Where the hell is Shadow, anyway? We've been waiting for like five minutes.
> 
>   
> Insensitive dick. I'd like to experience the Apocalypse from the comfort of my own airship.
> 
>   
> IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE
> 
>   
> No, it isn't; it's _cloudy._

[EVERYONE DIES. _OR DO THEY?_ ]  
  
---  
  
  



	2. Ruin

  
  
  
  
  
  


[THEY DON'T.]

[ONE year later, CELES regains CONSCIOUSNESS.]

>   
> Where am I? What happened? What time is it? Is Quebec still part of Canada?
> 
>   
> You were in a coma, which is apparently what happens when you fall from floating continents. I've been caring for you all this time, hoping you would one day wake up.
> 
>   
> My god, Cid.
> 
>   
> I know, but it's not like I had anything better to do.
> 
>   
> I'm really glad you've recovered; we only have one bed and now I'm dying.
> 
>   
> What?!
> 
>   
> Whether or not I live depends entirely on you, Celes!
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> No pressure.

[CELES tries to SAVE CID's LIFE.]

>   
> You call that a fish? When I was your age, we had to catch our fish from dawn 'til dusk! With no shoes! And the ocean was uphill -- both ways!
> 
>   
> ...
> 
>   
> Aren't you going to catch more? What are you, lazy? You've been asleep for a year; it's time to start pulling your weight.
> 
>   
> ... ... ...

[CID DIES.]

>   
> There must be a way off this stupid island.
> 
>   
> I know! I'll attempt suicide and have a revelation about the importance of relationships in the process. Maybe cling to the vague hope that Locke is alive out there, waiting for me and not spelunking for a cure for Rachel.

[CELES JUMPS OFF A CLIFF.]  


>   
> Fuck, that hurt.
> 
>   
> But it worked! I'm now ready to take on this sorry excuse for a world, on a sorry excuse for a raft!
> 
>   
> Good thing, too, because talking to myself is really weird. I need some party members.

[CELES sails out to FIND some PARTY MEMBERS.]  


>   
> Thank god you're here! Kefka fired his light of judgment into that house! Save the child inside!
> 
>   
> Man, what did you all do while I was in a coma?
> 
>   
> Hey, Celes, long time no see!
> 
>   
> Are...
> 
>   
> Are you holding up a _house?_
> 
>   
>  Yup!
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
>  _How?_
> 
>   
>  No time for explanations!

[CELES RESCUES a CHILD.]  


>   
> I guess I'll join your party again. I've had it with Kefka shooting his laser off whenever he's bored.
> 
>   
> If they're so tired of being lasered, why don't they just move?
> 
>   
> You see, there is your Imperial elitism again! It's _not that simple._
> 
>   
>  Ugh, whatever. Let's find someone else.

[CELES and SABIN head to MOBLIZ.]  


>   
> I have become a mother!
> 
>   
> WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT LOVE IS, I MEAN REALLY NOW.
> 
>   
> Mommy, there's someone named Humbaba here to see you.
> 
>   
> Stay inside so you don't see Mommy suck.

[TERRA SUCKS. SERIOUSLY, Solar Plexus does like 1,000+DMG on her. CELES and SABIN save the day.]  


>   
> Wow, um.
> 
>   
> We actually came to ask you to come with us, but.
> 
>   
> You kind of suck.
> 
>   
> We'll, uh, let ourselves out.

[CELES and SABIN head to NIKEAH.]  


>   
> There are thieves in the pub!
> 
>   
> Locke?!
> 
>   
> Too soon.
> 
>   
> Hey, you look familiar! Who are you?
> 
>   
> SOMEONE WHO IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT EDGAR
> 
>   
> But someone call Heaven and tell them an angel is missing.
> 
>   
> We should follow Edgar.
> 
>   
> Yeah.

[CELES and SABIN follow "GERARD" and his thieves all the way to FIGARO CASTLE. It is INFESTED with MONSTERS, for some reason.]  


>   
> Celes, come wrestle these tentacles with me!
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> I'm pretty sure that wasn't a come-on.
> 
>   
> I just want everyone to realize that we are fighting gigantic tentacles that actually grab us and absorb our energy.
> 
>   
> I NEED AN ADULT

[The PARTY VANQUISHES the TENTACLES.]  


>   
> Well, that was stupid.
> 
>   
> Now we can tunnel with Figaro Castle again!
> 
>   
> The third and final time it is of any use!
> 
>   
> It's no wonder I moved out.

[The PARTY heads to KOHLINGEN.]  


>   
> For Locke?
> 
>   
> Too soon.
> 
>   
> Hi, are you here to wallow in your own misery, too?
> 
>   
> I've discovered that life without an airship is much like being poor -- which is to say I'd much rather be dead.
> 
>   
> I tried suicide, already, and have found that beating the shit out of Kefka is a lot more enjoyable.
> 
>   
> ... Then I guess we should get another airship.

[The PARTY heads to DARILL'S TOMB.]  


>   
> You had a tomb built for your dead girlfriend and her airship?
> 
>   
> Yes.
> 
>   
> That is huge, and infested with monsters, and only became accessible after the Cataclysm?
> 
>   
> Yes.
> 
>   
>  _How?_
> 
>   
>  No time for explanations!

[The PARTY fights DULLAHAN.]  


>   
> I can use Runic!
> 
>   
> For the third and final time it's of any use!
> 
>   
> And you wonder why Locke isn't around.

[The PARTY takes off on the FALCON, which is one of the GREATEST SCENES in the GAME.]  


>   
> Well, we have an airship, so we can go attack Kefka's Tower.
> 
>   
> ROCK ON
> 
>   
> Guys, wait! We can't go yet!
> 
>   
> Why not? It's a MPB dungeon, and we even have an extra person, since you found Sabin right away.
> 
>   
> No, we have to find our friends and give them all closure! To go on without them would subvert the point of the entire game!
> 
>   
> What...
> 
>   
> What _is_ the point of this game, exactly?
> 
>   
>  RELATIONSHIPS
> 
>   
> Oh, right.
> 
>   
> Also, I guess not getting everyone will make the fantastic ending really fucking boring.

[The PARTY goes BACK to MOBLIZ.]  


>   
> Two of my kids are going to be parents, and I'm not sure what to do.
> 
>   
> YOU COULD FIGHT ME!
> 
>   
> ... I guess?

[TERRA fights to SAVE her CHILDREN. In the PROCESS, she LEARNS what LOVE FEELS LIKE.]

>   
> I was hoping to get laid, to be honest.
> 
>   
> Rejoin the party and that can be arranged.

[The PARTY travels to the VELDT.]  


>   
> We're here to collect our two losers, anybody seen 'em?
> 
>   
> Uauuu!
> 
>   
> That's one.
> 
>   
> X.x
> 
>   
> There we go.

[SHADOW LEAVES. UNFORTUNATELY, GAU DOES NOT.]

>   
> We're still missing some party members. Come on, people, hustle. We have a lot of level-whoring to do.
> 
>   
> And loosed demons to kill, according to our trip itinerary.
> 
>   
> And final special moves to learn. That's what we get for taking a sabbatical.

[The PARTY heads to JIDOOR. OWZER's house is FUCKED UP.]  


>   
>  _What is even going on in here?_
> 
>   
>  I miss being rich and nonsensical.
> 
>   
> Guys, help me! The painting I'm making, it's alive!
> 
>   
> Well, yeah. Isn't that what you do?
> 
>   
> Yeah, but this one is _really alive!_
> 
>   
>  Yes, but we thought--
> 
>   
> GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME.

[The PARTY fights a POSSESSED PAINTING. GOD, I _KNOW._ ]  


>   
> Now that I'm back in your party, you can recruit my grandfather again!
> 
>   
> I can't even contain my excitement.

[The PARTY heads to NARSHE.]  


>   
> Says here only a treasure hunter could pick the locks in this place.
> 
>   
> Locke?
> 
>   
> God, you guys, can we just go to the Phoenix Cave and get him so she'll shut up?

[The PARTY finds MOG.]  


>   
> I can't believe you neglected to recruit me in the World of Balance!
> 
>   
> Now, Mog, there is a perfectly good reason why we didn't, and Sabin is going to explain it.
> 
>   
> No one likes you.
> 
>   
> But having me nets you the best bruiser!
> 
>   
> LEAD THE WAY

[The PARTY finds UMARO. UMARO can ATTACK by _THROWING ALLIES AT ENEMIES._ ]  


>   
> GUUUUUUUUUUUH
> 
>   
>  _What the fuck is wrong with you?!_

[The PARTY heads to the COLISEUM.]  


>   
> If we defeat Shadow, he'll join us permanently.
> 
>   
> Wait just a second.
> 
>   
>  _Why_ do we want Shadow?
> 
>   
>  Just get him.

[The PARTY heads to SOME MOUNTAIN, finding a HOME FULL of SILK FLOWERS.]  


>   
> How dost thou like mine humble mountainous abode?
> 
>   
> good god
> 
>   
> He's finally lost it.
> 
>   
> Cyan, come with us. We know you're still hurting over your family, but we can help you work through it. All of us have had to suffer knowing someone close to us died, and we were powerless to prevent it.
> 
>   
> Yes. _Powerless._

[The PARTY heads to the PHOENIX CAVE.]

>   
> Hey, good job! You followed all the clues and tracked me down.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> What clues?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I'm just playing with the notions of life and death, I'll be done in a sec.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> So you... were spelunking for a cure for Rachel?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Yeah, what'd you think I was doing?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Oh, um, well... maybelookingforme.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> What was that?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I said you're an asshole.

[The PARTY travels the WORLD to give its members VARIOUS DEGREES OF CLOSURE.]

>   
> I'm pretty dead. My advice is you find another girlfriend. Also self-respect, etc.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> You mean after all this, you are _dumping me?_  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
>  Hey guys, check the bling I looted from the Phoenix Cave.

[The PARTY heads to DOMA to SLEEP. It has REALLY NICE PILLOWS.]

>   
> Time hath done little t'soothe mine paine. Elayne! Owain! Why hast ye gone into the Abyss?!  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Perhaps this twisted, crude shoutout to the Three Stooges will help us all gloss over this tragedy.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... Aye, 'tis sufficient.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> YOU CAN NEVER HAVE CYAN BACK  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> That's fine.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> YOU CAN ALSO NEVER LEAVE THIS PLACE UNTIL YOU DEFEAT ME  
> 
> 
>   
>   
>  _Motherfuckerrrrrr_   
> 
> 
>   
>   
>  It's cool, you guys, let's just cast Vanish and X-zone.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... You don't have Vanish and X-zone, do you?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... Well, then we'll have to kill each other.

[The PARTY heads to DUNCAN's HOUSE.]  


>   
> Sabin, you big lout! How about an ultimate special move?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Oh my god, it's Banon.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... No, I'm the greatest martial arts master in the world.
> 
>   
> Banon, how'd you survive the Cataclysm with your pitiful defense stats?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... Anyway, Sabin--  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Is now a good time to mention that I killed your son?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Vargas? He was a dick. From now on, all my eggs are in one basket, so you'd better kill Kefka.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Er.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Now, follow my lead: AABBXXYYSelect+Start!  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I'm beginning to think my entire training regimen has been an elaborate farce.

[The PARTY goes to an INN.]  


>   
> 
> 
>   
> Can we do my sidequest now?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> What do we have to do?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Sleep.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> A lot.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... What kind of assassin _are you?_

[The PARTY heads to the VELDT.]  


>   
> I had a son once. It was evil, so I tossed it into a herd of monsters.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> It seemed like a good idea at the time. By the way, are you the repairman?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Gau, this kook must be your father! Let's pimp you up and show him how civilized you are.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Why?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT WE DO, THAT'S WHY.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Uauuu.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I had a son once. He'd be about your age, and evil. He also killed his mother. Children like that deserve to be abandoned.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> AABBXXYYSELECT+START

[The PARTY heads to THAMASA and meet a WOUNDED MAN.]

>   
> Gungho! My god, man, what happened to you?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Remember Hidon, that beast we hunted in our youth and could never defeat?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Yes?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Well, turns out it isn't any easier when you're seventy.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Well, I'm seventy _-one_ , so I'm marching right over there and giving Hidon a good what-for.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> You're mad! Although that _would_ be a great confidence-booster, in addition to giving you closure about something that happened fifty years ago. Funny, that.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
>  Also, you can take three able-bodied young party members with you.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... Well.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> That's sort of cheating.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Hey, do you want some _real_ wounds, you poser?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
>  I'll be good.

[The PARTY defeats HIDON.]  


>   
> Wasn't that fun? What's next?
> 
>   
> We could head to Triangle Island and be swallowed by a giant anus?
> 
>   
> Sounds like a lark!

[The PARTY heads to TRIANGLE ISLAND, and is SWALLOWED by a GIANT ANUS.]

>   
> You know, I don't find _anything_ we do odd, anymore.
> 
>   
>  You know, I don't find _anything_ we do odd, anymore.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
>  Huh?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Huh?
> 
>   
> Who are you?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Who are you?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Oh, why not? What's one more weirdo?

[GOGO joins the PARTY, which somehow ESCAPES from the GIANT ANUS.]

>   
> And then we had a bunch of other wacky adventures, and slew many enemies!  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I said "slew," right?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I think now's a good time to attack Kefka's Tower, before everyone gets bored.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> To be honest, I stopped paying attention after my Sidequest of Closure.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> That was weeks ago!  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I know.

[The PARTY splits into THREE GROUPS to FINISH THE GAME. Only 12 of 14 MEMBERS can GO. Guess which two get left behind? No, go on, guess.]

>   
> Uwoooooo....  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> You ungrateful bastards. What will you do when you need someone to knife you in the back, huh? _What will you do._

[The PARTY works together to CLEAR the DUNGEON. This includes fighting a BUNCH of BOSSES.]  


>   
> 
> 
>   
> DEATH TO ALL HUMANS!  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Ha! Nice try, but we are now about fifty levels higher.

[The PARTY CONFRONTS KEFKA. BUT ONLY AFTER THEY CONFRONT [THESE GUYS](WTF.gif). JESUS CHRIST.]  


>   
> A GOD AM I  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Definitely crazier.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I DON'T NEED MASCARA ANYMORE  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> The moral of the story is: a myriad of relationships builds the world and gives us strength to overcome adversity.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Also, "Dancing Mad" is a fucking cool song.

[DANCING MAD really is a fucking cool song. Accept no substitutes. The FINAL BOSS BATTLE is AMAZING and COMPLEX and you H8RS JUST DON'T GET IT.]  


>   
> Urk... as -- as long as there is evil in this world--  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Wrong game.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Then... I'll be dying now, and taking magic with me. SUCK ON THAT, TERRA.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> MOTHERFUCKERRRR  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Also my Tower will collapse.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> GODDAMN IT

[The PARTY proceeds to ESCAPE the TOWER, engaging in HIJINKS along the WAY. Provided you remembered to pick everyone up. If you didn't, it's all really boring. REGARDLESS, the only important scene is TERRA's.]

>   
> Looks like I'm going to die.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Actually, you may be able to live as a human, due to the fact that you have discovered love, and have a strong attachment to something in this world.  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> I _knew_ that was the most important part of this game.

[The PARTY ESCAPES the TOWER in a SERIES of COMICAL, HEARTWARMING SCENES. MAGIC and MAGICITE DISAPPEAR. The PARTY flies around the WORLD CELEBRATING their VICTORY. LOOK, I'LL BE HONEST: there is no way to sum up the EXTREME AWESOME PERFECTION that is FFVI's ENDING. SORRY.]

>   
> But if you don't know how to adequately summarize the ending, how do you end it?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... Anyone?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>   
>   
> ... Hello?  
> 
> 
>   
>   
> Hello?

  
  
---  
  



End file.
